#339

Oh, sure—Senators Durbin (D-IL) and Cornyn (R-TX) go streaking through the Capitol, lashing interns left and right with leather thongs in observance of Lupercalia, and everyone grins and laughs at “crazy ol’ Dick and John” and their “wacky shenanigans”. But when Bear Lawyer gives an impassioned defense of the National Endowment for the Arts, including audience-aided reproductions of select scenes from the works of William Shakespeare, it’s nothing but tears and screaming and “Help! Help! Senator Paul’s been stabbed!”

Honestly, now. Someone had to play the part of Julius Caesar.

#338

Ah, yes. Daylight Saving Time is in effect, which means that spring is fast approaching, and with it, the return of intramural baseball season. Which also means that Bear Lawyer’s highly competitive New York Barristers must once again resume their strenuous training regiment of ladder drills, batting practice, high-impact run-downs, and sundry punishing routines. Also: blood and plasma transfusions (for injuries sustained during practice), anabolic steroid regiments (to combat anemia from said injuries), and hormone therapy (for idiopathic short stature)—all in one handy-dandy powdered sports drink from the fine (and presumably law-abiding) folk at Bulk-Up Cream’n’Clear. “Get Juiced!”™

(Oh, and while you’re here, might as well root, root, root for the home team by purchasing some official New York Barristers merchandise from the equally official Bear Lawyer, LLC Internet Shoppe.)

#337

Admittedly, Bear Lawyer has no one but himself to blame for his present sartorial dilemma. While online purchases may be inherently prone to error, bear-sized neckties are decidedly rare as these things go, and odds are that BL failed to note the length before checking out. Not that this constitutes a valid reason for missing a due date for filing an appeal, but still—Bear Lawyer anticipates that the honourable (and invariably well-dressed) Judge Nathaniel “Natty” Popinjay will be more than sympathetic to the heart-wrenching dilemma posed by an ill-fitting jacquard cravat, as well as to the debilitating effect that such an unexpected wardrobe malfunction can have on any self-respecting attorney’s day-to-day.

After all, when clothes make the man/bear, a man/bear can just as easily be unmade by his clothes.

#336

Which is not to imply that Bear Lawyer has ever truly operated at a deficit in the first place. What with his remarkable success rate and small army of unpaid slave-interns and newly-minted (that is, palpably desperate and grossly underpaid) junior attorneys, Bear Lawyer’s eponymous legal operation is altogether efficient and astoundingly profitable. Of course, all of said profits are kept overseas and shuffled about through a variety of holding companies in a labyrinthine tax-avoidant strategy that only the squirreliest of accountants could ever hope to comprehend, let alone reconstruct—in which case, as far as the IRS is concerned, Bear Lawyer, LLC is a grossly mismanaged operation that hemorrhages capital as if that were its job (which, to some extent, it is).

Still, one must keep up appearances, and by announcing to his gathered (albeit off-panel) underlings that he will be trimming the operating budget through a variety of draconian overhead cuts, Bear Lawyer is able to appear as though he were moderately concerned with his firm’s fiscal health—as well as make the possibility of a real budget deficit that much less likely.

#335

Though he may not be an ordained Roman Catholic clergyman per se—it turns out that the reason-oriented, non-celibate, pantheo-deist ministers of the Order of the Leaping Salmon were excommunicated for bear-esy centuries ago by the buzz-killingly strict Pope Humdrum IV—Bear Lawyer nevertheless believes that a charismatic ursine outsider is just what the ailing Church needs in these troubled times. Given BL’s record of aggressively defending (legal) doctrine, discreetly maneuvering finances, and reflexively defending cubs/children (not to mention the readily-apparent support of the Collegium Cardinalium), it’s easy to imagine how a furry keister on the Chair of Saint Peter could do a world of good for the struggling Catholic brand, notwithstanding the unavoidable fallout among satirists of South Carolinian extraction.

And besides, “Pope Ursus I” has a really nice ring to it.

#334

Save green by going green! Whether incriminating or boilerplate, shredded documents make for excellent compost, and are especially useful when building up mulch berms.

#333

#332

#331

… The lack of premeditation means
that we’re eligible for a reduced sentence.

#330

… But organ trafficking is a felony offense,
so you ought to retain counsel as soon as possible.