While acknowledging that it would be fairly easy for a not-yet-fully-caffeinated bear to miss the insect-scaled traffic cones and “ARACHNIDS AT WORK” signage strung along the path from den to glen, this still does not excuse the fact that Bear Lawyer was preoccupied with his birdpage news feed when he should have been watching the road.
Really, if the homeowner didn’t want Bear Lawyer to help himself to their delicious home-baked pies and pastries, then they wouldn’t have left them so readily accessible to any bear who happened to wander by, clamber over their fence, cross their yard, startle their dog, rustle through their bushes, and settle down to dine at their window ledge.
Though admittedly not named on the official bracket, Bear Lawyer would fain consider himself an increasingly solid contender as a write-in candidate for Thiccest Danger Floof 2021, and has thusly been in a state of ecstatic hyperphagia since his shipping crate arrived at Brooks Lodge last week. “Omming all the noms,” etc.
Whilst daytime hours will find BL doing his level best to pack on the pounds and pose for the cameras at the Brooks Falls All-You-Can-Eat Salmon Buffet, his (somewhat) quieter evenings entail getting cozy with his fellow lodgers* by the communal firepit whilst double-fisting a seemingly limitless supply of Sockeye Sammies. No rest for the would-be champion, not when victory is so close that he can taste it.
*As depicted, said lodgers have long since made themselves scarce. One can only bear witness to the relentless snort-snuffle-chomp of a gorging, gimlet-eyed grizzly for so long before one begins to worry for one’s own safety. After all, the National Park Service recommends keeping a distance of at least 50 yards at all times, particularly near a “concentrated food source,” and BL’s bottomless bushel of bánh mì should rightly be considered as such.
Having cultivated a not-insubstantial amount of mass in preparation for FBW21, Bear Lawyer anticipated any number of potential issues with booking a standard commercial flight to Katmai. Even first class accommodations are only so roomy, and air travel for a bear was hardly the most pleasant of experiences even in the Before Times, let alone now that fellow flyers are liable to be increasingly ornery (and potentially contagious), with in-flight consumption being curtailed accordingly. Hardly ideal conditions, those.
Sure, a bear could have chartered a private flight from ALB to AKN for a princely sum, but BEARSK was offering quite the reasonable deal for same-day air freight (“non-frozen food,” on account of the casks of O’Hooch that BL made sure to include in his carry-on luggage), and every penny saved in airfare is a penny that can latter be spent during happy hour at the lodge.
After all, a bear must make a point to wine and dine the judges if he hopes to take home top prize.
Bear Lawyer may have received his double dose back in March, and documented cases of breakthrough infections in ursids are scarce to the point of nonexistence, but it would not do to let down one’s guard.
Just so: Be advised that any and all uninvited solicitations, public or private, shall be met with a short, sharp shock from Mr. Sparky, to the approximate tune of 7,000 kilovolts, as often as a bear’s sense of personal safety requires.
Best to mask up, get your jabs, maintain proper social distance, and leave BL to go about his business in peace.
Alas, wireless coverage in the office-glen is shoddy under the best of circumstances. Try as a bear may, affixing any number of nodes to local flora and fauna (trees, rocks, interns, slow-moving birds) can only boost the ambient signal so much, and never in quite the same way twice, with inclement weather proving especially troublesome to the the conducting of online business.
Other sorts of conductivity, however, are much less impaired during summer storms, as resident intern Lew “Sparky” Watt—the distressingly dim nephew of Atty. Hiram Powers Watt of Hu-Watt & co.; a favour was owed—has since discovered, Sparky having drawn the short straw during this week’s huddle and therefore being responsible for manning the treetop aerial. (His performance thus far has been quite lacking.)
Sure, a peckish Bear Lawyer could have simply ordered woodland delivery of his usual 100-some-odd pounds of sushi, but that would have involved leaving his altogether quite chill mid-lake ensconcement in order to meet (and recompense) some trail-bedraggled (i.e., burr-laden and bug-bitten) courier, which would be undesirable for all parties concerned, particularly in this current heatwave. Cold packs can only do so much to guarantee freshness, after all.
Much easier to simply order up an aerial re-stocking, then spend the balance of the afternoon snacking at will. As one does.
Much to the dismay of the Metropolitan Interfirm Softball Association, the storied rivalry between Hu, Watt, Venn, Weir, Wye & Howe, LLP, and the Law Offices of Bear Lawyer, LLC, is scarcely limited to the courtroom. What with the constant stream of incisive heckling, brushback pitches, bylaw thumping, bench-clearing challenges, and aggressive infield strategies in the McGravian mode—not to mention accusations (and recorded incidences) of outright bribery—the reflexive disputatiousness of the firm principals-cum-team managers has routinely lead to the resignation or (forced) retirement of many an MISA umpire and officiant, exhausted as they are following epic, cricket-length Sunday double-headers between the New York Barristers and the Hu-Watt Interlocutors.
Admittedly, Bear Lawyer is no expert on bird law, and is more than willing to defer to Don Ernesto Carlos Gaviota de Lima—better known as “Attorney Ernie” to his clients, “Ternie Ernie” to his friends—when parsing cases of the avian variety. Even so, BL remains unconvinced as to the wisdom of filing a (potentially quite lucrative) personal injury suit against the owners/operators of a seaside amusement park, particularly as the would-be plaintiff has flown off without a trace.
Things may be getting fairly heated up at the Falls—it’s only July, and the numbers gang is already butting heads—but Bear Lawyer isn’t about to let a few quarrelsome compatriots spoil his vacation. There’s plenty of fish (literally), and nothing quite like a leisurely float (and some opportunistic snacking) to take the edge off before heading back to the lodge for dinner and drinks.