#398 – In Which a Hook is Set

Sometimes the indirect approach is best.

A hefty case load (and an admirably svelte figure) may have kept Bear Lawyer out of the running for 2020’s Thiccest Danger Floof, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t join his fellow chubby cubbies up at KatmaiCon to partake in some recreational fishing (and pre-hibernation Omega-3’s) courtesy of the Brooks Falls All-You-Can-Eat Salmon Buffet. Some bears may balk at BL’s Willoughby-esque approach to packing on the pre-winter pounds, but odds are even that he’s far safer playing the outside angler than mixing it up in the scrum with the likes of Otis, Holly, and the numbers gang.

#397 – In Which Etiquette is Enforced

Attention, fellow shoppers: Bear Lawyer’s impromptu sojourn to the local l’Oeil de Boeuf megamart was meant to be a quick one—easy in, easy out, maintain proper social distancing throughout. Standard mindless weekend fare, and but a small effort to keep one’s thoughts away from far more (de)pressing matters, however briefly.

BL did not, in the course of browsing for a new duvet with which to weather the coming winter—and/or retreat into come early November—expect to be verbally accosted for choosing to abide by the store’s clearly-posted mask-wearing mandate, as following such protocols is logical, courteous, and wholly proper under the present circumstances.

Nevertheless, BL is pleased to report that, as a result of the ensuing exchange of views, he did finally manage to convince—and then selflessly aid—a fellow shopper to acquire their own sanitary facial covering, the down-filled density of which is almost certain to prevent both the ingress and egress of any offending particulate, whether viral or verbal.

#396 – In Which a Theory is Tested

Apologies if Bear Lawyer is not, as presently depicted, modeling good behaviour with regards to the wearing of mask whilst venturing out into a public setting—though, for whatever it is worth, even in these hazardous times, BL has noted that he has had precious little difficulty maintaining at least double the suggested six feet of socially-distant spacing, particularly when lumbering down the heretofore crowded aisles of the local Booze Towne.

Nor, come to think on it, has any clerk stopped to question him with regards to his “test bottle” approach to pre-purchase sampling.

Quite accommodating of them, really.

#395 – In Which Things are Neither Confirmed Nor Denied

395BLUnsubstantiated rumours being what they are, Bear Lawyer will only aver that, for his part, any possible ursine utterances referenced within the House’s heavily-redacted Russia report were ‘Hooch-fueled speculations told, in confidence and off the record, to a fiscally conservative pachydermic politico who should know better than to run his mouth off in mixed company. The purportedly eidetic memory of elephants notwithstanding, such hypothetical secondhand comments, should they, in fact, constitute one of the aforementioned attributions, would amount to little more than hearsay, and would, therefore, be inadmissible in any event.

Please, please, please, for the love of Mueller, don’t go and drag a bear into this mess.

#394 – In which stress is managed

“Newly confirmed as head of the EPA, former Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt has come under fire for coördinating closely with energy companies in his attempts to scale back and block federal environmental regulations. The New York Times reported that, at times, Pruitt had simply copied and pasted suggested language from an energy company onto state letterhead, and then sent it to the EPA.

“This is NPR news. We now return to What Fresh Hell is This? with Terry Gross.”

Have Yourself a Bear-y Little Christmas

Have Yourself a Bear-y Little Christmas

DISCLAIMER: Lightness of heart may be a sign of a serious and potentially fatal cardiovascular condition; consult your doctor if you experience chest pains or dizziness related to holiday festivities.  Absence of proof of trouble is not proof of absence thereof. Gayness of Yuletide is a Constitutionally-protected right, though full legal recognition may as yet be limited in certain areas. Troubles in mirror may be closer than they appear. Happy golden days of yore not available in all areas. Proximity and oral professions of faith by—and perceived dearness of—friends are no substitute for a thorough and legally binding contract. Fates are fickle; prolonged togetherness not guaranteed. Exercise caution when hanging shining stars upon highest boughs. Immediacy and merriness of Christmas, though universally wished, cannot be guaranteed.


Bear Lawyer Goes Over Defensive Strategy

As gratifying as the moral high ground of nonviolent resistance may be, Bear Lawyer has found, after scrambling for cover during many a state-sanctioned culling, that the literal high ground is a far more advantageous position to hold.


Bear Lawyer Pays an Informant

Bear Lawyer isn’t necessarily proud of the legally dubious depths to which he must occasionally sink during the height of hunting season, but if a pawful of premium ribeye is required to keep one step ahead of the business end of .308 rifle, then so be it.


Bear Lawyer Terminates At Will

True, Thaddeus was a fine junior associate. A tireless worker with a near-encyclopedic knowledge of case law. A man whose briefs read like poetry and whose coffee could move even the most jaded barista (or barrister) to tears. But he was also a Packers fan, an offense which Bear Lawyer could only view as cause for immediate severance—and, if the now ex-associate doesn’t recover quickly, discreet burial.


Bear Lawery Coördinates the Defense

Following the afternoon’s master classes in trap-laying, track-hiding, The Art of War, and Kuma Kobushi-ryū jujutsu, Bear Lawyer will be screening selections from First Blood, Predator, The Seven Samurai, Home Alone, and The Return of the Jedi (specifically, the Battle of Endor). After all, come hunting season, the best defense is an overwhelmingly aggressive offense.