#416 – In Which Payment is Promised

This has to be one of the strangest liens that Bear Lawyer has ever executed. While the presently-in-arrears clients have avowed that Crypto here is a thoroughbred Shiba whose viability as a stud-for-hire would easily cover his pupper-parents’ outstanding legal fees, BL is (1) very uncomfortable with the notion of moonlighting as a canine matchmaker regardless of the potential profit margins and (2) extremely confused by the latest issue of Doge Fancier, which lists the current market rate at an underwhelming $0.056632 US.

#415 – In Which an Overture is Made

Despite the recent spate of complexities that have plagued US relations with the Panda Diplomatic Corps—self-defeating trade disputes, needlessly harsh rhetoric, a frustrating lack of honesty with regards to matters of mutual interest and import—Bear Lawyer holds out hope for a return to friendlier terms in the Year of the Metal Ox.

And if it just so happens to be Valentine’s Day, well, that’s neither here nor there. Can’t a bear give a compeer a bouquet of bamboo and a traditional hóngbāo in recognition of the Lunar New Year? Is it wrong to share an order of jiaozi by candlelight? They’re just friends. And she has a mate and a cub. It’s perfectly fine. Don’t make this weird.

#414 – In Which Proceedings are Televised

Cozy couch: check.

Popping corn: check.

Chips-and-guac (the good recipe): check.

Decanter of ‘Hooch: check.

Now, which channel was C-SPAN again…?

#413 – In Which Freshness is Guaranteed

Though the odds of being accosted at the local C-FÜD Mart typically lean in Bear Lawyer’s favour—insofar as BL is typically the one doing the accosting; never get between a hungry bear and his delicious gallon of scallops—such is the nature of the free market that no one, however savvy a retail shopper or well-diversified a grocery list may be, can reckon themselves wholly immune to volatile price fluctuations or the fight-or-flight instincts of ornery, knife-wielding octopi.

#412 – In Which an Instrument is Assessed

Whether it’s the drafting of a contract or the establishment of a sledding run, it never hurts to have an experienced hand (or paw) look over one’s work before proceeding.

Admittedly in media res, but it appears that Bear Lawyer has deemed this particular aluminium “flying saucer” sufficient for the day’s recreational activities. Here’s hoping that the local youths are reasonably quick with regards to excavating BL from the snowbank towards which he is presumably careening.

#411 – In Which a Dividend is Received

They may have come with a hefty up-front cost—not to mention the logistical difficulty of converting a remote woodland root cellar into a miniature rack house—but these barrels of well-aged ‘Hooch have provided Bear Lawyer with regular (if soporific) enjoyment that far exceeds their purchase price. Nothing like a few quarts of fine “Irish” whiskey every quarter to put hair on a bear’s chest.

Mind, recent years have seen a significant reduction to the corporate reserves, particularly within the last 12 months—especially the last week and change—but, even so, this was an inarguably sound investment.

#410 – In Which Adjustments are Made

Dry January was nice barely tolerable while it lasted.

Varying parts terrifying, tragic, and farcical, the events of Wednesday, January 6, 2021—in which an ill-conceived protest in Washington, DC, metastasized into a deadly riot in the United States Capitol—can and should be laid squarely at the feet of outgoing President Donald J. Trump Drumpf. His baseless lies and incendiary provocations concerning the integrity and outcome of the recent election (incontrovertibly won by President-elect Joseph R. Biden, Jr.), repeated at nauseum both in person and on a variety of social media platforms (from which the President has finally been banned), have served to ignite, fan, and further enflame existing political tensions and have likewise emboldened a malicious menagerie of violent fringe groups who, in their specious relationship to both the social contract and objective reality, view the disgraced real estate developer, failed casino mogul, self-professed sexual predator, populist provocateur, and would-be autocrat in a bizarrely messianic light—or, at the very least, as a useful fool in service to a racist, ethno-nationalistic end.

The question, then, is where the country goes from here. That Drumpf is soon to leave office is (mercifully) a given; the manner in which he leaves is up for debate. What happens to him, his enablers, and his followers after 12 noon on January 20th remains to be seen—at least with regards to proposed federal charges for rebellion and insurrection, and for seditious conspiracy. Toes crossed, the prospect of a self-pardon remains little more than an outrageous (and untested) hypothetical.

New York District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr., and New York Attorney General Letitia James will be dealing with Drumpf regardless.

#409 – In Which a Date is Set

The arbitrarily-defined changeover from one year to the next—be it solar, agricultural, civil, fiscal, or what have you—may not necessarily be cause for celebration in and of itself, but Bear Lawyer understands that these periods of transition ought to be recognized as best one can, seeing as they provide office staff and the general public with a much-appreciated sense of catharsis and closure. “Out with the old,” etc.

That, and BL is hardly one to turn down an excuse for consuming vast quantities of festive foodstuffs, coördinating beverages, and delicious, delicious schadenfreude. Time to order up a pallet or two of popping corn from the local scout troop, plus a cask or several of the ‘Hooch.

#408 – In Which Persuasion is Attempted

With all due apologies to Frank Loesser:

You really didn’t win
Donny, just go away

The tallies are in
It’s time that you go away

The election is done
Bidden-Harris clearly won

And certified
Your silly schemes can’t turn the tide

Rudy has got us worried
Just look at that hair-dye slurry

Those lawsuits were all doomed from the fore
Announced in front of business obscure

The arguments? Bad and blurry
Tossed by the courts in a hurry

So maybe beat a tack to the door?
As losers go, your behaviour is sore

Stop toeing the brink
Donny, it just won’t work

Lay off Twitter; just think
There’s no need to be a jerk

Your future is all
AG James just called

But set in stone
Please give it a rest, set down your phone

You ought to say ‘grats to Biden
At the very least, quit your lyin’

Stop licking your wounded pride
C’mon, would it hurt you to try?

You clearly didn’t win
Not no how, no way

It’s time that you go away

You can’t change the vote
Donny, please go away

You don’t get to gloat
Shut up and go away

The past year has been
No matter how you spin

A dumpster fire
We’re all so very effing tired

Your motives often seemed suspicious
That Twitter feed sure looks vicious

Your cronies have been flooding the zone
All for naught—it’s clear that you’re boned

Your pardon pen’s ink is specious
Yikes, those tweets really are vicious

Incompetence and little else more
Never seen such nonsense before

You really should go
Donny, get out of here

Even SCOTUS said no
Just get the [redacted] outta here

You arrogant heel
No hope for a fraudster’s deal

Your turn is through
And so it’s time to say adieu

Good luck with your legal troubles
Your finances? Make that double

Vance will want to see you in court
Look forward to that breaking report

You really can’t stay
Yes, it’s time that you

Just go away

Donny, just go away!

#407 – In Which Matters are Taken into Hand/Paw

Sure, Bear Lawyer could have asked the neighbours if they actually wanted their massive conifer decorated for the coming holidays. (Would they have said no? It remains an open question.)

Likewise, he could have requested help from PDQ with hanging an LED-powered shining star from this, the highest bough—though it also remains an open question as to whether a ~1.5lb. squirrel could carry dozens of yards’ worth of string lighting in tow, no matter where he grips it. Size:weight ratios, etc.

What BL could not do, however, is rent a hydraulic crane for purposes of erecting said festive décor.

Nor for any other purposes.

Not after what happened last year.

(No, he doesn’t want to talk about it.)