Bear Lawyer is Up for Consideration

Though he may not be an ordained Roman Catholic clergyman per se—it turns out that the reason-oriented, non-celibate, pantheo-deist ministers of the Order of the Leaping Salmon were excommunicated for bear-esy centuries ago by the buzz-killingly strict Pope Humdrum IV—Bear Lawyer nevertheless believes that a charismatic ursine outsider is just what the ailing Church needs in these troubled times. Given BL’s record of aggressively defending (legal) doctrine, discreetly maneuvering finances, and reflexively defending cubs/children (not to mention the readily-apparent support of the Collegium Cardinalium), it’s easy to imagine how a furry keister on the Chair of Saint Peter could do a world of good for the struggling Catholic brand, notwithstanding the unavoidable fallout among satirists of South Carolinian extraction.

And besides, “Pope Ursus I” has a really nice ring to it.

4 responses to “#335

  1. Related story: On Pope Benedict’s coat of arms, there’s a bear carrying a saddle pack – “St. Corbinian’s Bear.” Legend has it that while Corbinian, a bishop who preached the faith in 8th Century Bavaria, was travelling to Rome, his pack horse was killed by a bear. Corbinian, likely on a deadline, admonished the bear and commanded it to follow him to Rome carrying the horse’s pack. The bear did, and when they reach Rome, Corbinian let the bear return to its native Bavarian woods.

    Which is a roundabout way of suggesting that Bear Lawyer may indeed come from good Catholic stock, and as a (presumably) baptized and confirmed male, would, in fact, be eligible to be pope. (However, if he is so elected, ****ting in the woods is right out.)

    • As an ursus arctos iurisconsultus (a near relative of the North American ursus a. horribilis), Bear Lawyer’s genealogical heritage is decidedly aboriginal/Native American, though Corbinian’s bear may well have been one of the founders of the Order of the Leaping Salmon (or a direct ancestor thereof, assuming that a Bear-varian missionary made the crossing at some point), so the implied association is not without merit.

      As for—*ahem*—”conducting business” in the woods, BL is more than willing to forfeit his rustic toilet if it means that he is able to wear the papacy’s so-called “funny hat”. As idioms go, that seems a fair trade.

  2. Given the satirist of South Carolinian has frequently stated a tremendous fear of bears, it is likely he would decline a papal audience and / or leave the fold. Papa Bear, on the other hand, would be livid and demand a conclave recount. While the former Papal Bear would probably more than ok with it. http://catholicismpure.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/papal-bear/

    Best brush up on your Latin, BL. There might be white smoke (-d salmon) and a mitre in size XXXL in your future!

    • More’s the pity. A hypothetical audience with the similarly-hypothetical Pope Ursus I could do wonders for human-ursine relations, not least for the bear-hating pundits of North America.

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