DISCLAIMER: Lightness of heart may be a sign of a serious and potentially fatal cardiovascular condition; consult your doctor if you experience chest pains or dizziness related to holiday festivities. Absence of proof of trouble is not proof of absence thereof. Gayness of Yuletide is a Constitutionally-protected right, though full legal recognition may as yet be limited in certain areas. Troubles in mirror may be closer than they appear. Happy golden days of yore not available in all areas. Proximity and oral professions of faith by—and perceived dearness of—friends are no substitute for a thorough and legally binding contract. Fates are fickle; prolonged togetherness not guaranteed. Exercise caution when hanging shining stars upon highest boughs. Immediacy and merriness of Christmas, though universally wished, cannot be guaranteed.
As gratifying as the moral high ground of nonviolent resistance may be, Bear Lawyer has found, after scrambling for cover during many a state-sanctioned culling, that the literal high ground is a far more advantageous position to hold.
Bear Lawyer isn’t necessarily proud of the legally dubious depths to which he must occasionally sink during the height of hunting season, but if a pawful of premium ribeye is required to keep one step ahead of the business end of .308 rifle, then so be it.
True, Thaddeus was a fine junior associate. A tireless worker with a near-encyclopedic knowledge of case law. A man whose briefs read like poetry and whose coffee could move even the most jaded barista (or barrister) to tears. But he was also a Packers fan, an offense which Bear Lawyer could only view as cause for immediate severance—and, if the now ex-associate doesn’t recover quickly, discreet burial.
Following the afternoon’s master classes in trap-laying, track-hiding, The Art of War, and Kuma Kobushi-ryū jujutsu, Bear Lawyer will be screening selections from First Blood, Predator, The Seven Samurai, Home Alone, and The Return of the Jedi (specifically, the Battle of Endor). After all, come hunting season, the best defense is an overwhelmingly aggressive offense.
One may freely object to the speculative and/or irrelevant nature of Bear Lawyer’s fireside testimonial, but there’s no question that it is quite the gripping yarn.
HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE OF ENGLAND AND WALES
and the RT HON OWEN PATERSON, MP,
in his capacity as Secretary of State for DEFRA
(NOT SO) BRIEF AMICUS CURIAE OF BEAR LAWYER, LLC AND BROCK BAWSON, ESQ. IN SUPPORT OF PETITIONERS
Ursus A. Iurisconsultus
Bear Lawyer, LLC
1 Office-Glen in the Deep Woods
Catskill, New York 12414
Telephone: (555) BEAR-LAW (232-7529)
Facsimile: (555) BEAR-PAW (232-7729)
Badger at Law
Meles, Bawson, Pate & Grey
5 Burrow ‘Neath the Ancient Oak Tree, Suite 2
Catskill, New York 12414
Telephone: (555) BADGERS (223-4377)
Facsimile: (555) EULALIA (385-2542)
Whether the application to grant the Board of Natural England a license to cull badgers for a further 8 weeks in Gloucestershire is lawful.