#358

Long weekend? Aw yiss. Have fun at work, suckers!

#357

True, the muzzle and manacles do make it rather difficult to give custom to the Garden’s various vendors of comestible goods—who, for some strange reason, tend not to service the penalty box area anyway—but, after his aggressive antics in Boston and Washington, D.C., during the 2011 and 2012 playoff seasons, Bear Lawyer didn’t exactly have the option of attending a home game unrestrained, much less a playoff match in hostile territory.

#356

What a week! First, the IRS audited the Concerned Citizens for Earl Grey (“Promoting Civility in Public Discourse, One Cup at a Time”™). Then, they proceeded to audit CCEG’s parent 501(c)(4), the American Association for the Patriotic Advancement of Steeped Beverages, the books of which had been thoroughly cooked (that is, burnt past the point of recognition) by none other than Philbert D. Quince, squirrel CPA. To make matters worse, due to some sort of fish-hatching foofaraw going on upstate, Bear Lawyer could not even take a quick lunch break in a recently-stocked lake without Officer Jones of the DEC pitching a fit about size restrictions and population control. He’s a regular J. Audubon Woodlore, that Jones.

#355

Joint custody in the zoölogical world is quite the sticky wicket, particularly when dealing with the added intricacies of visitor/temporary resident/immigrant statuses, plus touchy international treaties besides. Just so, as the specially-appointed Parent Coördinator for his (largely oblivious and wholly unrequited) panda paramour and her prearranged (and presently estranged) baby-daddy, Bear Lawyer must venture through all manner of uncharted legal waters in his attempts to serve the best interests of the cub. E.g., is a native-born panda a U.S. citizen (and subject to/protected by U.S. family laws) even if s/he remains the sole property of the People’s Republic of China and a de facto member of the PRC’s Panda Diplomatic Corps? Are bear cubs, regardless of genus, protected by the UNCRC even if their country of residence has yet to to ratify said treaty? Moreover, if the breeding parents of the cub in question reside in separate enclosures—or in separate zoos, or in different states or countries—is custodial preference given to the mother or the father?

Truly, it’s a tricky business from a legal standpoint alone—not to mention the unsettling moral quandaries posed by a nation’s “ownership” of its entire giant panda population, as well as its attendant arranged/forced mating/eugenics program(s) to “protect” said population from extinction.

#354

While Bear Lawyer’s ursine bulk and powerful drive enable him, under ideal conditions, to shave more than a few strokes on the fairway, his relative lack of control often leaves him scavenging for errant balls in the underbrush—and executing impromptu abatements besides—which, in turn, causes his frowned-upon solo outings to last a good sight longer than they rightfully ought. Just so, BL has taken to hanging out by the golf carts of a morning in eager anticipation of an errant threesome in need of one more duffer to proceed.

#353

What with all the Second Amendment-related furor in the air these days—be it less-than-responsible gun owners downplaying all-too-preventable tragedies, anti-government extremists spouting revolutionary rhetoric, or reactionary legislators promoting poorly-written and/or toothless regulations—Bear Lawyer thought it prudent to re-institute the proud Bear Scout tradition of firearm safety and marksmanship training, with the dual purpose of helping young bruins to learn how to safely and responsibly handle Ye Olde Boomstick and, if need be, to defend their dens (and the denizens thereof) with lethal force come State-sanctioned Genocide Season. “Be prepared”, etc.

#352

Bearing in mind (1) that it’s still relatively early into the playoff season, (2) that Bertram is only on his first serving of Torontonian syrup, (3) that PDQ has not yet shed all over the popping corn, and (4) that Bear Lawyer is waiting to tap his logs of Pollenator®, one can only guess as to when this friendly gathering of fans of the fastest game on earth will erupt into a furious mess of riotous bickering and violent partisanship.