#356

Bear Lawyer is Targeted for Enforcement

What a week! First, the IRS audited the Concerned Citizens for Earl Grey (“Promoting Civility in Public Discourse, One Cup at a Time”™). Then, they proceeded to audit CCEG’s parent 501(c)(4), the American Association for the Patriotic Advancement of Steeped Beverages, the books of which had been thoroughly cooked (that is, burnt past the point of recognition) by none other than Philbert D. Quince, squirrel CPA. To make matters worse, due to some sort of fish-hatching foofaraw going on upstate, Bear Lawyer could not even take a quick lunch break in a recently-stocked lake without Officer Jones of the DEC pitching a fit about size restrictions and population control. He’s a regular J. Audubon Woodlore, that Jones.

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5 responses to “#356

  1. Occupy the Forest!

    See, that’s a name that’s pretty much guaranteed to get you 501(c)(4) status under current agency practice, and make the law wary of crossing you lest they end up receiving a New York Times hat trick (front-page story, abuse-of-power infographic, and histrionically angry lead editorial.) Though you do occasionally have to hold drum circles and relax your grooming standards to keep up appearances…

    • “Occupy the Forest”? “Drum circles”? “Relaxed grooming standards”!? Ugh—no, thank you. The Siren’s song of allure of tax exemptions notwithstanding, Bear Lawyer has enough trouble rousting the occasional granola-fed flower children who would fain live off the bounty of his sovereign territory. Usually takes a full season of heavy spring rains to wash out the stench of patchouli and fermented soy, albeit those very aromas make them that much easier to find (and remove) in the first place.

  2. No doubt related to the fiend, I suggest boring a hole in the SS Woodlore and send Officer Jones to visit Davy in the locker. Really, a civilized bear can’t do @ in the woods these days without big government butting in!

    • Ironically, it may very be the “civilized” aspect of Bear Lawyer (as evinced through his love of dapper neckwear and fine Irish whiskey) that leaves him open to harassment from Ol’ Jonesy and his law-enforcing fellows in the DEC—a decent enough bunch most days—due to the soft prejudice of heightened expectations.

  3. Perhaps you need to hire your own bear investigative staff, in order to resolve these issues. May we suggest, Robert Thelonius Panda, Private Investigator? Known and feared by evil-doers to bears as Inspector Panda. Just sayin.

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