Bear Lawyer Coördinates with a Parent

Joint custody in the zoölogical world is quite the sticky wicket, particularly when dealing with the added intricacies of visitor/temporary resident/immigrant statuses, plus touchy international treaties besides. Just so, as the specially-appointed Parent Coördinator for his (largely oblivious and wholly unrequited) panda paramour and her prearranged (and presently estranged) baby-daddy, Bear Lawyer must venture through all manner of uncharted legal waters in his attempts to serve the best interests of the cub. E.g., is a native-born panda a U.S. citizen (and subject to/protected by U.S. family laws) even if s/he remains the sole property of the People’s Republic of China and a de facto member of the PRC’s Panda Diplomatic Corps? Are bear cubs, regardless of genus, protected by the UNCRC even if their country of residence has yet to to ratify said treaty? Moreover, if the breeding parents of the cub in question reside in separate enclosures—or in separate zoos, or in different states or countries—is custodial preference given to the mother or the father?

Truly, it’s a tricky business from a legal standpoint alone—not to mention the unsettling moral quandaries posed by a nation’s “ownership” of its entire giant panda population, as well as its attendant arranged/forced mating/eugenics program(s) to “protect” said population from extinction.

7 responses to “#355

  1. You are one funny (funny in an interesting way) bear, Bear Lawyer. 🙂

  2. This cub’s best shot is claiming political refugee status. The US recognizes political refugees as having rights. Children (and cubs)? Not so much. I believe they’re also referred to as chattel.

  3. Immigration law is a Kafkaesque nightmare designed by xenophobes and the greedy. Family law is concentrated, unfixable misery that we can only spread equitably. Put those two together, add in some unrequited love, and… well, let’s just say even the best attorneys would need some time off. And a bottle of Olde Codger or three.

  4. Wow, I didn’t know there were bear lawyers, all very relevant to we at The Institute for Contemporary panda Satire. The panda kindergarten probably need to have you on retainer as they are um…very naughty.

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