#353

Bear Lawyer Supports the Right to Arm Bears

What with all the Second Amendment-related furor in the air these days—be it less-than-responsible gun owners downplaying all-too-preventable tragedies, anti-government extremists spouting revolutionary rhetoric, or reactionary legislators promoting poorly-written and/or toothless regulations—Bear Lawyer thought it prudent to re-institute the proud Bear Scout tradition of firearm safety and marksmanship training, with the dual purpose of helping young bruins to learn how to safely and responsibly handle Ye Olde Boomstick and, if need be, to defend their dens (and the denizens thereof) with lethal force come State-sanctioned Genocide Season. “Be prepared”, etc.

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4 responses to “#353

  1. With all that thick fur (and a low likelihood of ever being frisked), Bear Lawyer and his bretheren should consider carrying concealed weapons. (Other than your claws, of course.) Even with NY state’s restrictive gun laws, the aformentioned ursine slaughter, IMO, gives you a strong argument for a CCW permit for self-defense. If that doesn’t work, try a little baksheesh to your local elected officials, and see if they’ll unglue the works for you. (That’s how things work in NYC, right?)

    • Luckily for Bear Lawyer and his ursine fellows, legitimate threats to their person(s)—i.e., the state-sanctioned “cullings” which humans engage in for “sport”—are typically restricted to but a few days or weeks during the course of a calendar year. Moreover, said threats, while unquestionably dire, are apt to occur within a bear’s own backyard, so to speak, in which case a CCW ought not be required, per defense of habitation, etc.

      Aside from those brief periods of abject terror, bears reign supreme as the apex predators of their wooded homelands, and rarely venture into crime-prone cities to begin with. True, the urban jungle may indeed be perilous, but BL has found that his sheer size, quick reflexes, and mastery of Kuma Kobushi-ryū jujitsu are more than adequate to vouchsafe his person and possessions from would-be assailants.

  2. Nice grouping, little fella! Will the presentation of a Merit Badge for Marksmanship come with a Glock or a hand-held rocket launcher?

    • Likely a ceremonial blunderbuss. Bear Scouts shoot to deter, disarm, and/or disable as a rule—and are quick to administer first aid to the wounded—in which case the exaggerated barrel and thundering roar of an old flintlock often proves more than adequate for putting the average weekend warrior to rout. As for RPGs and SAMs, those are more the purview of Alaskan Timber (Wolf) Scouts and grizzly Bear Scouts, as they must concern themselves with helicopter-riding, assault rifle-wielding former politicians with precious little intelligence and far too much free time on their hands.

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