#346

Bear Lawyer Represents a Youthful Offender

Don’t let his tiny stature and adorable bow-tie fool you—this young ursus americanus is a notorious recidivist, and presently stands accused of several counts of breaking and entering, theft, and public indecency, not to mention assault and battery and resisting arrest.

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6 responses to “#346

  1. Just use the “Bears will be Bears” defense. Works most times 😉

    • There is a legitimate question if, indeed, the defendant’s very bear-ness is not at the heart of this case. After all, the accused was found shoulder-deep in an unsecured curbside bin in a gated subdivision that is, itself, notorious for its lack of biodiversity. Coincidence, or further evidence of a long-standing pattern of species-based discrimination?

  2. First it’s simple trash theft, next thing you know they’re stealing pic-a-nic baskets or becoming addicted to hunny. I blame a lack of good male role models in the inner forests.

    • A lack that is due in no small part to the yearly, state-sanctioned culling of adult male bears. One ventures out to get the morning paper (and maybe a bit of lox from the nearby stream) and BLAM!

      Honestly, how is any self-respecting bruin supposed to raise well-mannered cubs in such a hostile environment?

  3. Frankly, trash theft isn’t even possible here. It’s on the curb, it’s abandoned. People ( and bears) have a right pick through it.

    I’m far more concerned by this local constable who keeps picking up the same, apparently unaccompanied, minor. Has the cub only been fending for himself because his mum has vanished (into the back of some angry HOA president’s Hummer)? Did the arresting officer ever even bother to inquire after her whereabouts? Sounds as though this officer is going Inspector Javert on this sweet, resourceful orphan. It’s enough to drive bears to the barricades, or at least their barristers!

    • Well, the bin was found curbside, albeit the owner alleges that it had been stowed safely in the garage prior to his bedding down that evening. While there was no immediate evidence to suggest that the defendant had tampered with the automatic door, such a thing is non unheard of.

      As far as the authorities have been able to ascertain from their previous encounters with this pint-sized rapscallion, the mother bear’s identity and whereabouts are wholly unknown. The local branch of the FWS has no leads of which to speak, and little hope of any breakthroughs. Although the arresting officer is not unsympathetic, but a lack of both proper funding and official interest in the goings-on of bear-kind mean that this young cub is apt to fall through the cracks yet again.

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