#241

Bear Lawyer Contends with a Nonresponsive Witness

An inevitable progression from the ridiculous to the sublime(ly ridiculous).

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4 responses to “#241

  1. Nonresponsive, pleading the 5th, or suffering from selective mutism? Have you tried questioning Dennis in a laundry? Or is that where it all went so horribly wrong?

    • Dennis the Laundry-dwelling Dragon stands—rather, is held upright by means of a wooden dowel—accused of the murder of Sir Siegfried the Starchy, Earl of Towelbasket and knight-protector of Laundryland, whose sodden, freshly-washed corpse was found ritually pinioned upon a hempen line in close proximity to Dennis’ linty dryer-den.

      While the evidence is largely circumstantial, the relationship between Dennis and Sir Siegfried had been tumultuous at best for many a year, and their frequent quarrels and oft-comedic misunderstandings lay at the heart of the fanciful productions and educational fables portrayed in the “Legends of Laundryland” children’s television series. The prosecution has asserted that, as Dennis was Sir Siegfried’s most obvious frenemy and principle foil—and the last sock-person to see the ill-fated knight alive—his long-standing animosity in combination with evidence discovered at the scene suggests that the quick-tempered sock-dragon brutally attacked Sir Siegfried while under the influence of a controlled substance (toxicology reports showed a heady mix of dryer sheets and powdered detergent were present in Dennis’ system the next morning, two springtime-fresh narcotics with which the sock-dragon has had a long and troubled history) before attempting to dispose of the body in the stain-cleansing suds of the nearby Lake Wishywashy, only to, in a strange bout of dryer sheet-addled remorse, hang the beaten-and-drowned sock-knight “out to dry” in accordance with Laundryland’s traditional funereal practices.

      It’s a grisly case, one which called for a grizzly attorney. Now, if only Bear Lawyer could get his client to testify properly rather than just hanging there like a sock on the line. Their defense hinges largely on the narrative established by Dennis’ pending testimony, which would establish reasonable doubt by shifting focus to the oft-tempestuous relationship between Laundryland founder H.J. Wickingham III and his felted creations-cum-coworkers. It seems that Mr. Wickingham has been rumoured to viciously mutilate and “reassemble” the lesser-known citizens of Laundryland, with numerous sock-persons disappearing mysteriously, only to reappear at some later date, their appearances altered and their memories fuzzy and disturbed. It’s this constant fear of abduction and reconstruction that has driven Dennis to drown his sorrows with white powder and fabric softener, and may explain why the virtuous Sir Siegfried—who had just recently vowed to help the denizens of Laundryland investigate Mr. Wickingham’s reported Frankenstein experiments—was so suddenly hung out to dry, and in such a suggestive location.

  2. Ah, the sorry ‘sorted’ truth behind that toothy show-Biz smile.

    • Make no mistake: those seemingly vacant googly-eyes have witnessed horrors unimaginable—or, at the very least, horrors scarcely appropriate for younger viewers.

      Indeed, Dennis the Laundry-dwelling Dragon has lost many a friend to forgotten gym bags and chew-happy canines. He has witnessed the toll of massive bleach spills along the shores of Lake Wishywashy, stubborn grass and marinara stains that refuse to submit even to the stain-busting deluge of Maytag Falls. Sockizens torn asunder by jagged toenails and worn through by calloused heels, stolen by mice, left to linger in the lint trap for cycle after cycle after cycle, their erstwhile partners unpaired and distraught.

      Dennis has seen, and he has not forgotten. Still, he bears his scars with a silly grin and a cartoonish roar, hides them with a bad pun and an operative lesson or two on grammar and friendship. A comically inept villain he may be, but he is no killer.

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