Bear Lawyer Provides Aid and Comfort


6 responses to “#215

  1. When I lived in New Jersey about 15 years ago, there were no bears in the woods and the deer were starting to overpopulate. I’m not sure what happened.

    • Ahem. Well… when a mature female bear is, um, “in heat”, shall we say? Then… erm… this is all rather embarrassing to talk about, but… there’s a “special hug” which mommy and (soon-to-be absentee) daddy bears share, usually in the late spring and early summer, typically over the course of a few days, ranging in duration from a few minutes to approximately an hour at a time, with breaks for water, food, and sleep in-between. Anyway, some months after this “special hug”—say, around late January into February—the mommy bear is rudely awakened from her hibernation to find two (or more) hungry cubs in her den, which she then proceeds to nourish and instruct until such time as they can fend for themselves or are traumatically captured and sold off to the circus, whereat they are forced to adopt human-like behaviours and perform ridiculous feats like riding tricycles and balancing on balls before running away to apply to bear-mascotted liberal arts colleges, later attending prestigious Ivy League law schools and graduating with high honours before proceeding to open their own private firms with multiple offices, all the while wondering if maybe they should throw it all away and try to live as nature intended, yet secretly knowing that the natural world of which they dream could never truly make them happy. So they straddle that line between ursine wildness and anthropomorphic decorum, never truly at home in either world, longing for the simple life which was stolen from them yet begrudgingly grateful for the opportunities they have had which no other bear could ever hope to know.


  2. Oh, the ursanity! Perhaps New Jersey’s black bears should start hiring federally protected polar bears to act as bodyguards . . . and, um . . . slash matchmakers?

    • Protected status notwithstanding, polar bears have enough to worry about without asking them to take a bullet (or an arrow) for their smaller, duskier cousins. Not that they’d be likely to volunteer in the first place.

  3. aw, great drawings! I have a drawing of a bear in one of a my posts 🙂

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