#121

Bear Lawyer Settles Down for a Long Winter's Nap

A Visit from Saint Nick, Esq.
(with apologies to C.C. Moore)

‘Twas a few days before Christmas.
Winding down in his den,
Bear Lawyer was through billing,
His work-day at an end.
His briefs were all filed,
His transcripts set by,
His feet were propped up,
His eyes closed with a sigh.

Yes, this ursus was cozy—
All warm in his seat,
An Earl Grey and brandy
Kept close within reach,
The fireplace a-crackle,
Charles Dickens in lap—
He had just settled down
For a long winter’s nap.

When, outside of the den
There arose such a clatter.
BL lumbered out to the glen
To see what was the matter.
Away through the thicket
He grumbled and thrashed,
Then, parting the bushes,
He gazed with a gasp.

The moon on the breast
Of the new-fallen snow,
Made BL shiver;
On cold paws he did blow.
And, what to his near-sighted
Eyes did appear,
But a sack-laden sleigh
And eight fully-licensed reindeer:

“Sue, Dasher! Appeal, Dancer!
Motion, Prancer and Vixen!
File, Comet! File, Cupid!
Argue, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the courts!
To the extent of the law!
Advocate! Advocate!
Advocate, all!”

With arguments prepared,
Their closing statements they vied—
BL marveled at the spectacle,
His eyes growing wide.
The paperwork stacked up
As motions they filed,
Reams upon reams spent
In preparation for trial.

And then in a moment,
Every pen-clasping hoof
Ceased annotating and scrawling,
Their efforts to proof.
BL stroked his head,
His eyes lowered towards the ground,
As Saint Nicholas, Esquire,
Began making his rounds.

He was clothed in a three-piece,
The colour of crimson,
His tie neatly knotted,
No doubt a full Windsor.
He nodded and clucked,
His fingers fast pointing,
At mistakes of syntax
And loose terms worth avoiding.

A bearded old barrister
So astute and quick,
BL wondered, perhaps,
If it might be a trick—
A rival attorney
Come to muck up his case?
With motions in hand,
Vital evidence erase?

Nonsense, thought BL—
That couldn’t be true.
Business at this hour?
Why, that would be new.
So BL stood upright
And straightened his tie.
He would sort through this mess
(And take his nap) by and by.

Tapping the shoulder
Of this red-suited gent,
BL sought to inquire
As to what exactly he meant
By trespassing so
In the midst of the night.
BL’s office was closed;
His desk locked up tight.

The interloper’s eyes—
How they twinkled!
His briefcase, how merry!
Its clasps burnished brightly,
Its leather, a fine cherry!
His wry little smirk
Was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin
Veiled the malice below.

Sizing our bear up,
St. Nick laughed through his teeth,
The smoke from his clay pipe
Wrapping his head like a wreath.
He broadened his grin,
His hands grasped at his belly,
Which shook, as he chortled,
Like a bowl of minced jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Like Bear Lawyer himself
(Which made BL self-conscious;
He strove to be svelte).
St. Nick then winked, and
With a tilt of the head,
Gave the bear notice
He would leave intentions unsaid.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work:
Producing a summons,
His movements quite curt,
He handed over the document
(Which BL’s interest did pique)
Before turning abruptly,
Snow crunching ‘neath feet.

He walked to his sleigh,
To his legal team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew
Like the down of a thistle.
But BL heard him exclaim,
His voice laden with spite:

I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT—
YOUR BEAR ASS I DID CITE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR
FROM BEAR LAWYER, LLC!

‘Twas a few days before Christmas. Winding down in his den,
Bear Lawyer was through billing, his work-day at an end.
His briefs were all filed, his transcripts set by,
His feet were propped up, his eyes closed with a sigh. 

Yes, this ursus was cozy—all warm in his seat,
An Earl Grey and brandy kept close within reach,
The fireplace a-crackle, Charles Dickens in lap—
He had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

Yet, outside of the den there arose such a clatter.
BL lumbered to the glen to see what was the matter.
Away through the thicket he grumbled and thrashed,
Then, parting the bushes, he gazed with a gasp.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Made BL shiver; in cold paws he did blow.
Then, what to his near-sighted eyes did appear,
But a sack-laden sleigh and eight (or nine) reindeer.

With a bearded old driver so nimble and quick,
BL wondered, perhaps, if it might be a trick—
A rival attorney come to muck up his case?
With motion in hand, vital evidence erase?

Nonsense, though BL—that couldn’t be true.
Business at this hour? Why, that would be new.
So BL stood upright and straightened his tie.
He would sort through this mess (and take his nap) by and by.

Tapping the shoulder of this red-suited gent,
BL sought to inquire as to what exactly he meant
By trespassing so in the midst of the night.
BL’s office was closed; his desk locked up tight.

The interloper’s eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

Sizing our bear up, the stranger laughed through his teeth,
The smoke from his clay pipe wrapping his head like a wreath.
He broadened his grin, his hands grasped at his belly,
Which shook, as he chortled, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, like Bear Lawyer himself
(Which made BL self-conscious; he strove to be svelte).
The stranger then winked, and, with a tilt of the head,
Gave the bear notice he would leave intentions unsaid.

The man spoke not a word, but went straight to his work:
Producing a summons, his movements quite curt,
He handed over the document (which BL’s interest did pique)
Before turning abruptly, snow crunching ‘neath feet.

He walked to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But BL heard him exlcaim, his voice laden with spite:
I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT—YOUR BEAR ASS I DID CITE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR
FROM BEAR LAWYER, LLC!

 

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3 responses to “#121

  1. Pingback: #217 | Bear Lawyer, LLC

  2. Goodness! Just how naughty was Bear Lawyer!? (Superb versification should never be punished — but then, I’m partial to rhyme.)

    • As mentioned in the comments for #25, Bear Lawyer’s involvement in the civil suit of Rudolph, H.T. Elf, Misfit Toys, Bumble S. Mann, et al v. Claus Industries was limited at best. He served as pro bono counsel during the initial stages of the lawsuit, assembling the complainants and drafting an introductory brief outlining the issues at hand as well as providing recommendations for their immediate out-of-court redress. But the lengthy commute to the North Pole being what it was, Bear Lawyer handed the case off to the celebrated firm of Cornelius & Snowman before returning to his humble abode in the Catskills.

      The scene depicted above occurred right as the aforementioned suit was about to be presented in court, and it would appear as though St. Nick and his team of reindeer attorneys were planning on calling Bear Lawyer as a witness of some sort.

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