#466 – In Which Files are Reclassified

Who amongst us has not kept a strategic stockpile of work-related reading material within easy grabbing distance in the necessary? For one, it is an effective way to maximize billable hours. For another, facial tissue (and paper products in general) has only gone up in price since the Pandemic; old business, while not as squeezably soft as certain leading brands, can still be used to take care of current business with acceptable efficiency, and a bear would fain capitalize on privileged records in every conceivable way.

#465 – In Which There is a Finding

Five years is an awfully long time to be playing hide-and-seek, but Bear Lawyer is nothing if not thorough—”leave no stone unturned,” etc.—and patient to a fault. Best to take care of old business before diving headfirst into the new.

Still, he could do without these magical-mystical crossings-over, seeing as they rarely end well for all parties concerned, and feel like low-hanging fruit besides. Might need to have a word with the Senior Partner about leaving his hobbies at home.

Wait… low-hanging fruit… wasn’t there a suspicious trio of apple trees over yonder…?

#464 – In Which Rent is Collected

It’s admittedly a bit early to be harvesting honey—spring has only recently sprung, and the bees of Bear Apiaries, LLC, while clearly quite busy, are not yet at peak productivity—but a quick tip from the tap of the previous year’s vintage should be sufficient to tide a bear over until lunch.

#463 – In Which Business is Resumed

His (perhaps over)long winter’s nap come to an end, Bear Lawyer has finally roused himself from the depths of his den and set about preparing to greet the new year. Two-thousand and twenty-three, is it? Second quarter at that? Splendid.

Several leisurely breakfasts and just as many pots of coffee later, BL thought it well nigh time to reacquaint himself with the contents of his inbox: clear out the junk, reply-all to the memos, retroactively deny each and every request for time off, post some out-of-context (and marginally inappropriate) memes to the office-glen Leeway, and generally see what new business was most in need of tending.

This may take longer than anticipated.

#462 – In Which a Realization Sinks In

Silicon Alley maven Lonnie Muskrat has cultivated quite the reputation amongst his fellow techbrodents, first by parlaying a not-insubstantial windfall from his father’s grub-mining operation into a series of half-baked start-ups, all of which were, eventually, bought out by (and/or forcibly merged with) their far more successful competitors. He then used those gratis cash-outs to clamber atop a somewhat—if arguably less than—respectable empire of reusable bottle rockets, high-end slot cars, taxpayer-funded ratholes to nowhere, animal experimentation, general-issue hokum, VC hoodwinkery, and a never-ending doomscroll of failed marriages, missed pup support payments, and the most cringeworthy of “very online” shenanigans.

And so, flush with unearned cash and bolstered by fawning, almost cult-like (social) media attention, Lonnie crowned himself Meme Lord Eternal and blazed his way into a court-enforced contractural purchase of what could, on a good day, best be described as a virtual dumpster fire of nonsense and vitriol. Concomitant to this was a series of gobsmacking stock sales to help finance said forced purchase and to service the hefty debt associated therewith—all told, a veritable pied piper’s jig set to the tune of several billions of monies (much of it belonging to flop-sweating creditors and irate investment partners) effectively sacrificed upon the altar of Lonnie’s own vanity. Call it a Tuesday.

The ensuing fracas has been sub-optimal for all parties concerned. Hemorrhaging capital, human resources, and goodwill at a record-setting pace, Lonnie’s frantic squeaking and itchy tweeter-fingers have dug his hole even deeper, and his patch-and-motley attempts to silence his virtual critics and extract even some semblance of a profit from the aforementioned trash pyre have only served to further demoralize his remaining (and understandably harried) employees and rouse the interests of relevant regulatory agencies and the looming threat of debilitatingly hefty fines besides.

It has been a time.

Flashing forward to the present panel, in-house counsel having pulled up stakes in a hurry, Lonnie thought he could cajole a bear into coming aboard with the promise of a sizeable retainer, albeit one paid in ownership shares of Lonnie’s sundry extant boondoggles. A bit of Messluh, a side of SporkY, perhaps a soupçon of Dullards Incorporated—the usual grab-bag of stonks.

Unfortunately for Lonnie, unlike certain musky parties, Bear Lawyer knows a bad deal when he smells it.

Hard pass; into the trash you go.

#461 – In Which Extreme Measures are Taken

The wee morning hours tend to be some of the most active for newly-emboldened producers of indefensibly aggressive twitterings—all sound and fury signifying nothing of merit, tiny chests puffing in preparation for the latest bout of territorial shouting, execrable leavings as far as the eye can see—and so a bear has taken it upon himself to moderate their voluble incontinence as best he can (with a much-appreciated assist from ol’ Blundy).

#460 – In Which Ownership is Asserted

As the old legal truism goes, possession is 9/10 of the lunch, and while Linda from Accounting may argue that writing her name on a paper bag with a permanent marker is proof positive that the sandwich in question is, in fact, hers, the employee handbook would state otherwise with regards to any and all foodstuffs, whether openly held or stored within the refrigerator in the break bower, that presently happen to be located within the office-glen. Verily, as Bear Lawyer has just demonstrated during the autumnal (unpaid) intern orientation, a bear is able to convey ownership of a previously classified-as-personal comestible simply by thinking about it. And then forcibly removing it from an employee’s hands. And then eating it in front of a captive audience. As one does.

#459 – In Which a Break is Taken

Calls shall be held and emails shall go unanswered.

#458 – In Which Bad News is Received

While Dobbs vs. Jackson Women’s Health Organization was essentially un fait accompli—a draft of the majority opinion, leaked in early May, had already made dreadfully clear what many SCOTUS heads had already assumed would come to pass given the current makeup of the Court, prior lip service regarding the importance of judicial precedent being worth less than the breath it took to utter—the bare fact of Roe‘s overturning nevertheless hit like a punch to the gut.

For what precious little it is worth, being an entirely fictional entity created by a non-lawyer for the express purposes of illustrated comedy and therefore well out of its depth in this current situation, Bear Lawyer, LLC’s parental leave policy is actually quite good: four months, fully paid, with benefits, plus optional visits by the firm principal to bond with the new bairns (and evaluate their fitness for future unpaid internships). Then again, said policy is only ever rarely taken advantage of, given the long, exhausting hours required for all employees and (unpaid) interns of the woodland offices of Bear Lawyer, LLC, and the incommodious outdoor lodgings provided thereto, the combination of which makes even casual courtship, let alone family-friendly partnership, an awkward proposition at best. On a related note, romantic entanglements amongst employees, while not strictly discouraged, nevertheless require that a veritable mountain of paperwork be filed with HR, including a very thorough waiver for documentary filmmaking purposes, the latter of which has proven to be something of a mood-killer (with rare and indescribably awkward exceptions).

All of which is entirely beside the point! Reproductive autonomy is sacrosanct in the State of New York (and many other states besides) as it rightly should have remained throughout the United States but for the laboured rhetorical contortions of certain retrograde Justices and their even more aggressive peers. The fallout from this decision has the potential to be catastrophic. Federal legislation to codify Roe remains a long shot at present, and extant trigger laws further complicate an already fraught process on a state-by-state basis. While important (and effective!) direct initiatives like abortion funds work to bridge the gap and provide for emergency transportation, lodging, support, and access to essential healthcare for those who would otherwise be denied their right to reproductive autonomy in their states of residence, others hold out hope for some sort of executive action on the federal level to safeguard whatever remains in the wake of Roe‘s overturning, and still others are keeping up with the long, slow work of engaging with voters to promote candidates and support legislative initiatives on the state and federal levels, much of which is hamstrung by longstanding structural issues like gerrymandering and the Senate filibuster.

So, yeah. Forgive a bear for doomscrolling in the depths of his den.

#457 – In Which Sharing is Caring

Well, hullo there, business-class neighbour! That’s a mighty fine-looking snoot of Scotch you have there—would it be too much of a bother if Bear Lawyer takes a closer peek, maybe a sip or a several, just to ascertain the vintage and check for quality assurance? Not a problem? Ah, wonderful! Your kindness and generosity are duly noted and will be kept well in mind as meal times approach.